2015, Blog, Life Journal

Depression: Grey is the new black

When I was younger, I would find myself in deep, dark pockets of depression.  I can only describe them as black.  I felt as if life was worthless – I felt as if I was worthless – and at my lowest time, I didn’t want to live any more.

I slept whenever I could. I didn’t eat much.  I lived on autopilot, often with a smile on my face to hide the emptiness inside.

It was over a decade ago when I was in that ‘black’ place and I thought that depression, at least for me, came packaged up in that way.

I didn’t realise that it could come sneaking back, perhaps not black but in shades of grey.  I didn’t see it coming, I didn’t know depression had come back into my life.

These past six months have been challenging and this month so far has been very difficult.  But I have my book released next week and I should  be over the moon excited and happy.  Part of me is pleased because I’ve achieved something that had been on my bucket list for almost 20-years.  Yet, I’m not buzzing with excitement.

I thought it was just because I’ve been busy and stressed lately.  A book release means a lot more work and I put down my apathy to overwhelm.  I would constantly ask myself what the hell was wrong with me – book being published, a chance to get my words out into the world, and I can’t get my act together.

The irony isn’t lost on me that my book is a self help book for women wanting more from life.

Oh, Universe, your sense of humour is wicked.

And of course, those feelings of worthlessness that I knew from those dark black days came back but  not quite as I knew them before.

I’ve been berating myself for not writing, for not wanting to write, for not being social enough, for not doing enough, for trying to do too much, for not feeling passionate about things, for letting things slide, for not being organised…. the list goes on.

It’s like I have half of me reminding me of the things I need to be doing to move my life  along nicely (and enjoyable things too) and the other half just doesn’t care.  And then I can’t work out why I don’t care and blame self-sabotage.

In the past, depression has been black bleakness but it’s never been prolonged apathy, it’s never been subtle.

This morning, I was talking to my husband and I told him I felt empty.  Totally empty.  My head feels empty, my heart feels empty most of the time.  Sometimes I feel as if I’m witnessing life and it’s happening around me.

I feel like a shell.

I recognised ’empty’ as ‘depressed’ when I said those words.

Nights of not sleeping or waking up in a panic.  Apathy.  Anxiety. Lose of interest in the things that used to bring pleasure.  Finding it difficult to be motivated.  Not wanting to engage in life.

I didn’t put them together – each part its own separate problem and not a symptom of something greater.  I’ve spent months feeling this way.

And I didn’t know what it was.  I thought it was my fault.  I didn’t see depression sneak behind and come into my life when I wasn’t looking for it.

I’ve seen it now.  I know it’s there.  It didn’t beat me last time and I won’t let it take me down now.

Onwards and upwards.



  1. Sarah

    16th March 2015 at 9:52 pm

    I hear you Lyn. Depression is a sneaky mo-fo for sure!

    I have suffered with it on and off for years, and although I would say I am good at spotting it still it sometimes gets the jump on me.

    Make sure you get the help and support you need lovely.


    1. Lyn

      17th March 2015 at 3:30 pm

      Thank you, Sarah. This totally sneaked up on me – it’s a different creature than what I knew before but I feel better for identifying it. I can work with it now…. depression, yes, definitely a sneaky mo-fo (love that!!). x

  2. Jean

    17th March 2015 at 4:22 am

    Dear Lyn: I really hear what you are saying. I send big warm hugs and support. Your honesty is so brave and such a comfort to many, I am sure.
    I have been in your place and I understand. You are not alone.
    I found my own path out of this and I know you will too.

    Love and more hugs, Jean

    1. Lyn

      17th March 2015 at 3:35 pm

      Thank you for your kind words, Jean x

  3. Maya

    17th March 2015 at 3:17 pm

    Don’t get me wrong but what you confessed is, in a way, invigorating to me .. especially the part of the self-help author stumbling at its own self-help.. I don’t see this as annulling yourself, I admire that you said it.. but not for the courage but for the clarity and brutal honesty.. The humor of it might do more to expose the ridiculous entity that lives in our place than a hundred books.. We create a glove to feel instead of the hand and then we lament our life away wondering why we don’t feel anything nor enjoy anything much.. Living out of petty crumbs of expectation that we MIGHT feel something in the future when that book comes out, when that job opens up, when I get my guy or girl. Then the glove gets that job or that guy.. and the hand suffers emptiness and malnutrition..

    1. Lyn

      17th March 2015 at 3:37 pm

      Thank you, Maya, for you kind words. I love your analogy – I think it’s spot on. x

  4. Linda Ursin

    17th March 2015 at 8:50 pm

    Hugs <3 I've never dealt with depression myself, but I have other friends who have. I'm sorry you have to go through it, but I'm sure you'll come out the other end stronger. I believe recognizing it is the start of the way up.

    1. Lyn

      18th March 2015 at 7:32 pm

      Thanks Linda. It’s already been a great help just realising what it is and yes, I’ll end up stronger (or at least wiser) at the end.

  5. Beth

    18th March 2015 at 6:07 pm

    I’m in the same boat. Fortunately, mine is medically induced and I just have to wait it out. Best of luck to you! Spring is coming!

    1. Lyn

      18th March 2015 at 6:49 pm

      Thanks for the comment, Beth, and sorry to hear you’re in the same boat too. But like you said, spring is coming <3

  6. Lynette Porter-Tinnel

    18th March 2015 at 7:23 pm

    Lyn, I too suffer from depression as well as being bi-polar. Love you and wish I could give you a hug. I’m excited about receiving your book.

    1. Lyn

      18th March 2015 at 7:33 pm

      I had no idea you suffered too, Lynette. Well, I love you right back and I’d love to give you a hug too. <3

  7. Sandra Rios Vital

    19th March 2015 at 8:41 am

    Big hug to you dear Lynn – and happy to see you back indeed! I recognise so much of what you describe. Never have been properly diagnosed with depression, but certainly feel like I have often been living in a grey-zone.

    1. Lyn

      23rd March 2015 at 8:52 am

      The grey-zone sucks. I want rainbows and sparkles 🙂

  8. Jody

    22nd March 2015 at 11:43 pm

    Depression comes in many colors! Yours so much reminded me of a mix of Empty nest and post pardum depression! You’ve given birth to this amazing new life (book) and now that it’s about to go into the world you are in an emotional state! Understandably!
    Now… To figure out how to get to feeling less empty and more full!

    1. Lyn

      23rd March 2015 at 8:53 am

      I’m working on it Jody. I really am 🙂

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