Every Sunday morning, I go out for coffee with my husband. It started during lockdown when nothing was open except for takeaway restaurants. We decided that our ‘date day’ would be a cup of coffee by the sea no matter the weather. We’ve sat in hail, snow, and rain and dodged very high tides. Today was sunshine, warmth, and an abundance of people who had come to enjoy North Wales over the Easter holiday.
Kids played along the promenade (the wrong tide to enjoy the beautiful sandy beach but that didn’t stop them from having fun), dogs were happy being walked, cyclists took advantage of the good weather, and generations of families enjoyed each other’s company.
People watching, seal watching (oh my heart), good conversation, and a coconut milk cappuccino.
Going by outside appearances, it was a perfect morning.
Actually, inside it was perfect too.
But something happened this week that made me realise how easy it is to ruin a perfectly good day.
It started when I was doing the dishes.
Paul came into the kitchen and asked if he could have the washing-up cloth.
I gave it to him.
Then I watched as my mind began to give its opinion on the situation.
What makes his need for the cloth greater than mine? Why do I have to be interrupted from something important because he wants something now? Why can’t he just wait? He doesn’t value my time or what I’m doing. He doesn’t value me. How disrespectful!
And then the voice turned on me.
I can’t believe I just gave him the cloth. What was I thinking? I gave in. I let him walk all over me. I’ve allowed myself to be disrespected.
I must confess there would have been times, maybe not in the too distant past, I would have sulked all day over dishcloth drama.
I wouldn’t have said a word until the mind-chatter became too much to bear and my feelings were out of kilter.
The smallest things have led to angry words and disharmony.
Rather than allow my thinking to get carried away this time, I just decided to chop some veggies and then go back to the washing-up when the cloth returned.
Not a big deal.
Unless I’d made it so.
It made me realise how we all carry around hidden agendas and secret lists.
One of the items on my hidden agenda is that I need to feel valued and respected (by men) to be okay. If someone (usually my husband) does something to trigger that item, my ego-mind wants to do whatever it can to protect me from the perceived attack.
[As an aside, have you ever wondered who that ‘me’ it’s protecting actually is? That’s a whole other level of unravelling.]
Most of the time you don’t realise what is on your hidden agenda – the things you feel should or should not happen to be okay in the world – let alone anyone else know it.
Without creating awareness of what’s going on inside, feelings are triggered and because they’re usually painful, you react. And then you’ve taken your inside drama and made it an outside event.
It has taken me a long, long time to realise that feelings and emotions are information. If they’re unpleasant or uncomfortable then there’s something I’m carrying around on the inside that needs releasing.
There’s an energetic chain around the heart (like the pain I wrote about in last week’s newsletter).
Then there are secret lists that subconsciously dictate the way in which we live – those limiting beliefs which we innocently pick up as we travel through life.
Once you step into the Sacred Pause to look at how you operate your life, you begin to notice that so much is automatic and activating below awareness. Patterns repeat, unhealed wounds fester, and suffering continues.
We do have a choice not to listen to the mind-chatter and to question what is really going on. It’s a process, a messy one at times, but isn’t it better to free yourself from the drama of dishcloths (or similar)?
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