I can’t promise not to neglect you
My blog, my little virtual home on the internet, is neglected.
I was going to neglect it further by ignoring it another day. It’s become a habit.
I am busy all day coping (just) with a million-and-one things that demand my attention and generally zap my energy. By the time evening comes around, I’m tired and I don’t want to look into a screen. Besides, by 8 o’clock, any good idea I’ve had for writing has vacated my headspace and I just stare blankly ahead, knowing I want to write something but can’t for the life of me remember what it was.
When I first started to blog, almost a decade ago, it was therapy and I found it easy. But along the way, I’ve fought an internal struggle between the once easy, personal blog and the self-employed writer/healer/reader part of me. I’ve missed the personal blogging deeply but this is the website on my business cards – what to do?
If you’ve had a reading with me, do you want to know what I’ve been up to at the weekend? (Just in case you do, I went to Southampton Mela Festival on Saturday and then felt pretty poorly yesterday. Not connected, mind you, just been coming down with something for a while).
If you’ve bought one of my books, do you care to read about my thoughts on The Founder movie (and why I can’t ever see myself setting foot in a McDonald’s again)?
If you have my Sea Whispers oracle cards, would you be interested in the lessons I’ve learnt (and continue to learn) from weekly Tai Chi?
And I could happily ramble on about other things in my life such as sunset walks on the beach, tarot finds at car boot sales, twists in my path (thank you Universe), local labyrinth walks, vegan cooking, books that inspire me, not wanting to talk for a week after my very first business mastermind meeting, and feeling empty inside while appearing busy on the outside.
You can see my dilemma, can’t you?
Personal blogging isn’t necessarily connected to anything business-y. Blogging strictly for business is easier because you can craft clever titles, fill text with keywords, say a little prayer to the Google god when you hit send on a post, and then share like the devil on social media.
To be honest with you, more than once, I’ve gone to delete everything. Start anew. Erase my virtual existence for the past nine-years and turn a fresh page. But I can’t because I remember how I used to feel about writing and all the memories I’ve stored in bits and bytes.
I want that feeling of writing for my own therapy back. I want my little corner of the internet back – not to be thinking in the back of my mind that I need to be professional but instead a place for me to be me. I need the writing therapy (seriously, I do) – my ‘me time’ is almost non-existent.
It feels tiring trying to keep this space more business and less personal (and so I avoid this icky feeling by not writing). It’s not only the writing but then getting photos that don’t suck to share on social media and are pin-worthy etc. It takes so long and I just don’t need another energy drain in my life.
And does it really matter if I write my personal blog here? Really? I don’t think so. I think the problem is more in my own head than anywhere else.
Dear blog (and the occasional reader) I can’t promise I won’t neglect you. I can’t promise there won’t be gaps in my posting but I’m done with business, professional (even though it was a half-arsed attempt) blogging here.
I want my therapy back. I was happier back then. I want me back.