[This post is part of my October writing challenge where we’re mixing writing with tarot to unlock our the wisdom of our souls]
It’s a question I ask myself with absurd frequency.
I never come up with a destination. I have hazy pictures in my mind of somewhere I wouldn’t mind seeing or something that I might possibly, maybe want to do or experience.
I move forward, without a map. I fear stagnation but I’m beginning to see that my forward motion is really busy-ness, a spinning in the same spot frenzy with the occasional baby-step forward.
I frustrate myself with the inability to see long term or even mid term.
I feel there’s something wrong with me. That I don’t want things badly enough. That I don’t have enough passion.
And then there’s the part of me that I don’t want to acknowledge. That perhaps I like being stuck. That spinning in my busy-ness keeps me safe while simultaneously satisfying my ego that I’m doing everything I can.
Worst still, that on a deeper level, I’m not worthy of having a life that I’m madly in love with. Perhaps the spinning induced vertigo makes my ears ring so I can’t hear the thumpty-thump of my heart.
I don’t have a five-year plan or even a one-year plan. What I have is an ability to do things. I can tick off my to-do list like a speed demon but planning out where my soul wants to take me? I freeze.
Occasionally, my soul whispers things to me and makes me listen. My soul shoves me out of my spinning and I make things happen. They happen fast. I need to do things. I don’t give myself the time to panic, plan or procrastinate.
I am the Fool.
I feel myself catapulted further along my soul path, one step closer to what I’m meant to be doing. Really meant to be doing. Not just filling time with busy-ness.
And I say to myself: I’m really going somewhere now.
And I am.
I just don’t know where.